Emotional landscape

Today she is reliving a memory in her mind! She had volunteered to offer counseling to a group of Maldivians – who had suffered great loss in Tsunami 2004. She was daunted by this task. These people had suffered one of the worst experiences – loosing of loved ones, loosing of lifetime wealth in fraction of seconds and everything washed away. Then came the long days in relief camps, fear of water in the water locked country and corpses which cannot be identified. This haunted them, fearing the corpses were the family or loved ones lost. What could she offer these people in terms of help? How could she possibly relate to their suffering?

She thought … “what do all these people want to talk about, once they could see a counselor?”

It was all: I met this guy when I was living in the temporary relief camp, and we fell in love. I thought he really loved me, but then we were separated after the relief shelters were built up, and he took up with my cousin. Now he’s married to her, but he says he really loves me, and he keeps calling me, and I know I should tell him to go away, but I still love him and I can’t stop thinking about him. And I don’t know what to do…..

This is what we are like. Collectively as a species, this is our emotional landscape. She read a book and found a myth which said “There are two questions that human beings have ever fought over all through history: How much do you love me? And who’s in charge?” Everything else is manageable. But these two questions of love and control undo us all, trip us up and cause war, grief and suffering.

Bittersweet

The perfect couple! The most expensive wedding! A fully furnished apartment! And seven years of dating and courtship in bliss!

But after eleven difficult and torturous months of marriage she left her husband. When she finally made that decision she thought the worst was over. She stopped knowing him. They shocked each other by how swiftly they went from being the people who knew each other best in the world to being a pair of mutually incomprehensible strangers who ever lived.

At the abysmal fact that they both were bottom of strangeness was the fact tht they were both were doing something the other person would never have conceived possible: he never dreamed she would actually leave him, and she in her wildest imagination thought he would make it so difficult for her to go.

It was her belief that when she left her husband that that they could settle the practical matters in a few hours with a calculator, some common sense and a bit of goodwill towards the person they’d once loved. However, in few days she found that she was at a loss. How do you negotiate once you have offered everything? She could do nothing but wait for his counterproposal. Her guilt at having left him forbade her from thinking she should be allowed to keep even a dime of money she had made in the last decade. Not even any of her wedding or birthday gifts.

Time elapsed, without any word but silences were broken by his occasional communications reminding what a criminal jerk she was.

What was left of her was just her withered soul. She took her refuge from her nearest and closest friends: Mr. Loneliness and Ms. Depression!

Metaphysical Crisis

When I was nineteen years old, going on twenty, I experienced a true metaphysical crisis. It all happened when I was on leave in School holidays. I was going to be twenty in January, and there was something about the transition from nineteen to twenty- from teen to ty- that shocked me into genuine existential panic. I remember thinking life was passing me by so fast. It seemed only yesterday I was in primary. Soon I would be middle aged, facing the middle age crisis, then elderly facing menopause, then dead. And everyone else was aging in hyper speed, too.

Everyone was growing old.

My sense of helplessness was overwhelming. What I wanted to do was pull some massive emergency brake on the universe, like brakes I'd seen on fast racing , motorbikes!! I wanted to call a time out, as I did in my volley matches, to demand everybody just STOP until I could understand everything.

To my horror, here I am turning twenty wishing to be in Neverland with Perter Pan. The closer I watched time, the faster it spun, and the days went by so quickly that in made my head hurt, and at the end of everyday I remember thinking, "Another one gone" and bursting into tears.

The day came! I stomped, cried and hid from all the good wishes....

Men and boyfriends

Its a kind of emergency life-saving policy, more than anything else. She got started in life with the pursuit of security and romantic pleasures. She barely had an adolescence before she had her first boyfriend, and she has consistently had a boy or a man (or sometimes both) in her life ever since she was twelve years old. That was - oh, lets see about 15 years ago, now. That almost two decades!! Since then, she has been entwined in some kind of drama with some kind of guy. Each overlapping the next, with never so much as a week's breather in between. And she cant help but think that something of a liability on her path to maturity.

Please dont go away

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Y shud life be practical?

But why must everything always have a practical application? She'd been such a diligent soldier for years-working, producing, never missing deadline, taking care of loved ones, her health and family liabilities, voting...etc..

Is this lifetime supposed to be only about duty? In this dark period of loss, did she need any justification for flying and wandering in India other than that it was the only thing she could imagine bringing her any pleasure right now? And it wasn't that outrageous goal, anyway, to want to travel in India. Its not like saying ' I wanna travel round the globe with 500 bucks'.

Travelling is something you can actually do. So she took tickets in and just left without a word to family. Her friends thought this was frightening, craziness, madness, too impulsive and hilarious.

and yes now when she thinks about it. And believes that it was a madness and craziness that drove her there... alone (a gal in tht matter), without a caretaker or anyone known to her, travelling in buses, trains and rickshaws from north end of the country to the most south.

Yet she still thinks, it's the most wonderful adventure she had had in her life, sharing it with her camera only!

SHUCKS

moods swinging
hoods taking
looks changing
books coming
but the only thing I wanna do is
Eat, pray and love

FUCK

In ancient England , people could not have sex without consent from the King.
When people wanted to have a child, they had to solicit a permission to the monarchy, in turn they would supply a plaque to hang on their door when they had sexual relations.
The plaque read … "Fornication Under Consent of the King" (F.U.C.K).
This is the origin of the word.
Fornication Under Consent of the King (F.U.C.K)

The weirdos

Mind Typhoon

My mind is in a roller coaster.
I dont know...its so fast today.
I cant remember what it was thinking the last second.
Everything is coming at a very fast pace...
All the things I want to do and remember.
And its skipping beats....

Anxiety disorder or Love mania?

She suffered from an anxiety disorder. Or is it love mania? She lived alone in a house filled with people. She was alone, though people surrounded her. For days, she went through life in a tug of war between depression and anxiety, hopelessness and fear, sorrow and boredom. It was the never ending war between her heart and mind.

She often tried to justify why he left and why she did things she did. She often went to the doctors and counselors with symptoms of one disease or another, convinced she was dying of something. She sometimes went to the emergency room, so panicked that she was sure she was having a heart attack. Some days she just lay curled up on her bed, unable to find pleasure in any of the activities she enjoyed. Yet she continued to live.

Sanity Most Compromised

She was blinded by his love. In love she saw everything and nothing. She never saw the storm that started building. The lightening and never felt the wind from before the storm. It was a storm, a typhoon that took everything that belonged to her, even half of her sanity.
The lights emitted from the computer made the whole place dark and more comfortable. He sat on the rocking chair, she sat on his lap. He rocked keeping her on his lap. Singing….

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Two Brothers

She had two problematic brothers. For as long as she could remember, they had not been normal. Through her middle school, high school, and college years, they had been jailed and sentenced many times. She had fought knives, hangers, metal rods and anything solid away from them when they tried to hit or hurt another family member. She had seen them steal and sell things her mother or others own. She had seeing the unwavering love of her mother towards the two brothers. She had seen them, calling names and slangs at her father. She had seen how her father ignored the violent behavior in frustration. She had seen when they used drugs, stole stuff and brutally injured a person; coming running to hide at home from authorities. When reported they had manipulated everyone by saying that no one loved them and their own sister didn't even protect them. At this point, she broke down in tears.

Gradually, she became afraid of them. She didn't know how to talk to them, what to do or how to act. When they were in the Jail, she did not visit them out of fear. Fear of these people who were not the brother she knew, fear of the Jail and what it meant, fear of what might be wrong with her own brain and self. She felt bad about this, but did not know what to do. She felt helpless, frustrated and scared. Yet she continued to live.

Meaning was Enough

She found her meaning. She knew that somewhere inside her was happiness and peace. However, she did not know how to reach the serenity. The constant prayers made her to come to the understanding that most of her unhappiness and anxiety were caused by constant memories of the past and fears of the future and unknown.

She realized the fun and joy she was missing, the beauty all around her, because she was hung up on the past and the future; which she had no account of. She realized that the past and future were illusions, which all she had was NOW and all she would ever have is now. She knew the only thing she could do was to live the present to the fullest and take control of work and life to change it for better. She knew that life was not ALL about pain and suffering; it was about being true to yourself and living each moment fully and to the best of her ability. It was also learning. Learning lessons from the past and others.

This was not easy to know, and sometimes she forgot. But she accepted the low times because it was all she could do. She forgot or became consciously ignorant of the facts of life. Being ignorant, escape responsibility and being unaccountable was easy. Sometimes she worried about the past or remembered what had made her happy before, but she observed this from a distance without letting it define her. A little part of her still worries! Or is it regret? Sometimes she thinks of the future, the place where life would take her and what would finally fulfill her, but she saw this and did not let the future become her meaning. She lived and perhaps the first time in her life, that was enough.

Likes

She said:
I like stars
I like the night
I like the darkness
I like the breeze
i like the misty smell
I like rain
What do you like?

He said:
I like YOU

Wish someone sing this for me...:D

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Theory of Conversation

Traveling is a great joy. Without it, education is incomplete. Traveling opens the doors to knowledge. No wonder our elders say, "Seeing is believing'. Hence, I have been blessed with multiple opportunities to travel, inside the country and abroad. To live, laugh and love people all around me.

I have traveled in dhoni's', boats, ships, buses, trains, domestic flights and international flights too. Therefore, I have met several people around the globe. These traveling experiences have made me form my own equations and formulae about people I meet.

I have a theory about conversation. You may call it an empirical formula. It is that quantitatively speaking; 'conversation' is inversely proportional to the economic standing.



Quantity of speech or conversation = 1/Economic Standing

If you are travelling in a local dhoni or a boat which is equal to buses abroad, your fellow passengers will get into conversation with you very quickly and without reservation. If you are travelling on a safari/ship or in first class train, people will be a little more reserved. If you are travelling by air, the chances of conversation is still less. If you are travelling on an international flight, then you may travel 8 hours without exchanging a single word with the person next to you.

What do you say? Is my theory right? Believable? Acceptable? Experienced?

adapted from: Wise and Otherwise

Too choosy, too much or just enough?

Dont be too built up or too skinny.
Dont be too macho or feminine.
Dont be too serious or funny.
Dont be too fat or thin.
Dont be too possessive or easy.
Dont be too dark or fair.
Dont be too clever or dumb.
Dont be too tall or short.
Dont be too emotional or harsh.
Dont be too sexual or sexless.

the other 2 members of the so called GYPSIES

buBbLeS

Life's treating us like a bubble..
Every event has its beauty...
Every occasion has its own colours...
Every adventure is has its size...
Its all to the beholder to capture..
The on-looker to enjoy the beauty while it lasts..
For me to grab the opportunity, while it knocks..
n make an occurrence that can be cherished in one day of forever.

...from less to NEW

Long term vision
Bright eyes
Multi colours
Short hair
Big job
Many frenz
Simple environment
Adventurous escapades
thts the NEW me...

Why would I miss this place?

What happened to me?
All of a sudden I am not the one I used to be,
I don’t know who I am anymore,
What I want in life and what I despise,

My values, wants and needs,
I don know how I got here…
Though it was days of planning,
Daily and continuous hard work,

What do I want now?

Do I want love or security?
Do I want to do the right thing or
do I want to be happy?
Its like I am going with the wind,
With no direction and destiny,
Wanting to experience all,

Wishing to meet everyone,
As if I am searching for something,
Or seeking for someone...

Will I be able to let go of the cravings,

The longings of everyday change,

Yearn for new experience,

And be stable and without moving on.