My mind is in a roller coaster.
I dont know...its so fast today.
I cant remember what it was thinking the last second.
Everything is coming at a very fast pace...
All the things I want to do and remember.
And its skipping beats....
She suffered from an anxiety disorder. Or is it love mania? She lived alone in a house filled with people. She was alone, though people surrounded her. For days, she went through life in a tug of war between depression and anxiety, hopelessness and fear, sorrow and boredom. It was the never ending war between her heart and mind.
She often tried to justify why he left and why she did things she did. She often went to the doctors and counselors with symptoms of one disease or another, convinced she was dying of something. She sometimes went to the emergency room, so panicked that she was sure she was having a heart attack. Some days she just lay curled up on her bed, unable to find pleasure in any of the activities she enjoyed. Yet she continued to live.
She was blinded by his love. In love she saw everything and nothing. She never saw the storm that started building. The lightening and never felt the wind from before the storm. It was a storm, a typhoon that took everything that belonged to her, even half of her sanity.
The lights emitted from the computer made the whole place dark and more comfortable. He sat on the rocking chair, she sat on his lap. He rocked keeping her on his lap. Singing….
She had two problematic brothers. For as long as she could remember, they had not been normal. Through her middle school, high school, and college years, they had been jailed and sentenced many times. She had fought knives, hangers, metal rods and anything solid away from them when they tried to hit or hurt another family member. She had seen them steal and sell things her mother or others own. She had seeing the unwavering love of her mother towards the two brothers. She had seen them, calling names and slangs at her father. She had seen how her father ignored the violent behavior in frustration. She had seen when they used drugs, stole stuff and brutally injured a person; coming running to hide at home from authorities. When reported they had manipulated everyone by saying that no one loved them and their own sister didn't even protect them. At this point, she broke down in tears.
Gradually, she became afraid of them. She didn't know how to talk to them, what to do or how to act. When they were in the Jail, she did not visit them out of fear. Fear of these people who were not the brother she knew, fear of the Jail and what it meant, fear of what might be wrong with her own brain and self. She felt bad about this, but did not know what to do. She felt helpless, frustrated and scared. Yet she continued to live.
She found her meaning. She knew that somewhere inside her was happiness and peace. However, she did not know how to reach the serenity. The constant prayers made her to come to the understanding that most of her unhappiness and anxiety were caused by constant memories of the past and fears of the future and unknown.
She realized the fun and joy she was missing, the beauty all around her, because she was hung up on the past and the future; which she had no account of. She realized that the past and future were illusions, which all she had was NOW and all she would ever have is now. She knew the only thing she could do was to live the present to the fullest and take control of work and life to change it for better. She knew that life was not ALL about pain and suffering; it was about being true to yourself and living each moment fully and to the best of her ability. It was also learning. Learning lessons from the past and others.
This was not easy to know, and sometimes she forgot. But she accepted the low times because it was all she could do. She forgot or became consciously ignorant of the facts of life. Being ignorant, escape responsibility and being unaccountable was easy. Sometimes she worried about the past or remembered what had made her happy before, but she observed this from a distance without letting it define her. A little part of her still worries! Or is it regret? Sometimes she thinks of the future, the place where life would take her and what would finally fulfill her, but she saw this and did not let the future become her meaning. She lived and perhaps the first time in her life, that was enough.
Traveling is a great joy. Without it, education is incomplete. Traveling opens the doors to knowledge. No wonder our elders say, "Seeing is believing'. Hence, I have been blessed with multiple opportunities to travel, inside the country and abroad. To live, laugh and love people all around me.
adapted from: Wise and Otherwise
